Tough Psychology

"Feeling inadequate has a universal zip code"
- Victory Ford on Season II of NBC's 'Lipstick Jungle'


I'd like to meet anyone who does not have "crises of quality" - OK, fine; this is a phrase I use to mask the feelings of "inadequacy" or "impotence" we all get to feel at some point(s) in our lives. This is a time when we doubt the quality of God's workmanship in us and feel completely useless and lacking in viability. For many of us, this is a tough season marked by picking through the rubble of the financial tornado that has hit many of our businesses and homes...


I have to say, however, that the great challenge of our age is not at the bank or on the job, but in the mind. Fighting feelings of inadequacy is a full time job. Things may even be going wonderfully for us, yet we still feel inadequate. I had to counsel a friend recently who had just began a relationship and was basically sabortaging the relationship because of a "crisis of quality" - also known as "insecurity". There was little wrong with the relationship; she was just feeling threatened and inadequate by, don't laugh, ghosts! Yes, ghosts! The things she'd experienced in the past extended their long arms and were sucking life out of her present!


Our mental health is vital to any success we might enjoy - with family, with work, or with others. Nothing threatens our mental health more than feeling inadequate and letting those feelings linger and fester. Chasing ghosts leads only to frustration. Looking at life as a gift daily, changes our approach to things. Then, when we feel inadequate, we realize that it's part of our experience as living human beings; and, armed with that knowledge, we press on knowing that we can and will overcome...

What are you feeling today?

(c) 2009, Dr. Kozhi Sidney Makai. No part of this blog post may be reproduced or stored in a retrieval system without the written consent of the copyright holder.

Persevering through Adversity...

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins - not through strength, but by perseverence."
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr., Author of "Life's Little Instruction Book"



I have always wondered about people who stop just short of the goal...those who give up when a little more would have turned the battle. I am not one to judge; simply pointing out a simple observation. We tend to give up too quickly!

I recently discovered something about myself: I have no desire to run a marathon...not for ego reasons or for accomplishment's sake. I can give a plethora of excuses, but it all boils down to this simple fact: I-have-no-desire. There are, however, other things I wish to accomplish in life - things I greatly desire to see through. For those, I will put my head down, like a Tour de France cyclist, and fight a strong headwind towards the finish line.
When it comes to fighting through adversity, we must put our heads down and keep "cycling" - for some, it's training, writing, learning how to be cordial, or simply giving it the best you've got; for others, it's swinging even when there's no fight left in you...running when you can't feel your legs.

When our desire meets a determination to overcome and do whatever it takes to reach the finish line, we have already attained success. You see, crossing the finish line is the prize; however, we cannot get to the prize at all if we do not have a potent mix of desire and determination. Some say we need to "live life on purpose"...I say that we must be deliberate about life. Nothing "happens" on it's own (see Newton's Laws of Motion) - an object, according to Newton, will remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force...

So, dear friend, what are you not acting upon? Is it your education? Perhaps your finances? Maybe your marriage? Could it be your career? Are you waiting for things to happen? Or are you being deliberate? Fighting for your end result and causing motion?
Will you act upon the feeling you now have to act?

(c) 2009, Dr. Kozhi Sidney Makai. No part of this blog post may be reproduced or stored in a retrieval system without the written consent of the copyright holder.

Adverse Conditions and Attitude...

"The greatest works of admiration, and all the fair examples of renown, out of distress and misery are grown"
– Samuel Daniel, Earl of Southampton


During a recent online conversation with one of my college buddies, I was asked how I was doing. I responded "well" and added a "smily face" to my post. At that, he asked if that was genuine joy or if I was "hysterically smiling in the face of adversity" (nice one, Doug!) - this, of course, prompted me to LOL. Oops...I mean...that prompted me to laugh out loud (really loud). Doug and I have been friends for about five years now and he's come to know me as the boy who pops an optimism pill as much as Dr. House (on Fox's hit show "House") pops pain killers. Needless to say, in this instance, I was simply genuinely overjoyed; but that phrase prompted a thought process that led to what you are now reading...

Taunting, I have found, can be an effective tool to discourage and, in essence, disarm one's enemies. While my opponents during a basketball game are not enemies, they tend to become potent targets for a little dose of trash talking (though limited to people I know). I was always told that basketball is a thinking game; so, all things being equal, athleticism accounts for much but is useless without solid "basketball IQ." In taunting, I get to test the IQ of my opponents and see if their game can withstand a barage and torrent...no, deluge, of taunts. The best of them tend to only play better; the worst of them, become puppets...and I, the puppeteer.

Adverse conditions are universal; no matter one's station in life, challenges will come. What seems to differentiate those who overcome and succeed and those who do not is this: attitude. I believe that we must constantly evaluate our "Life IQ" to see if we are tooling and retooling regularly to match changing conditions. Those with a high "Life IQ" know that if one is not coming out of a challenge or in one presently, then the challenge is around the corner; so, they prepare. It's been said that "chance favors the prepared"...so the chances of one overcoming and withstanding the deluge and torrent of adversity greatly increase when one is...well...ready.

One amazing tool to use is to "hysterically smile in the face of adversity". It helps you change your perspective, and, in turn, helps you change your attitude. I am sad to report that we make ourselves victims far too much; we choose to be overcome by things we ought to know are common to all. Just like Christmas comes once every year, and at the same time, yet people fail to prepare (and in turn prepare to fail), adversity is going to come; we just need to learn how to be ready.

Are you ready? Is your life boarded up for the storm? Do you have supplies to last you through and past the harsh conditions? Do you have insurance to cover any damage? Or are you simply hoping against hope that the storm will miss your city and go elsewhere?

(c) 2009, Dr. Kozhi Sidney Makai. No part of this blog post may be reproduced or stored in a retrieval system without the written consent of the copyright holder.

More on the Past and Learning...

"Our world is changing faster than ever before, and the importance of learning is growing even faster. Any significant improvement in life...is based on learning."
- Ronald Gross in 'Peak Learning'

I'm not certain how this has happened in the recent past, but I am finding myself in the middle of discussions about the past a lot lately. Just recently, I met with a friend who was sorely disappointed by the actions of someone close. The results of those actions were far-reaching, and also were causing much present grief. I could not help but think how this was a potent situation for growth - after all, I thought, what could be a greater impetus for higher level living and thinking than learning [in the words of the title of Dr. Seligman's book] "what you can change and what you can't"?

"The knowledge of the difference between what we can change and what we must accept in ourselves is the beginning of real change," says Dr. Martin P. Seligman. It worries me, this lack of appreciation for who we are. That is, our inability to change some things - especially those things that are in the past. As I sat with my friend, I realized just how much pain the situation was bringing - I could empathize. At the same time, I was concerned that a viable learning opportunity was being wasted; all in the name of "venting". What was being missed, however, was that nothing could be done about the past - all that remained was the present.

I know that some situations come down on us like a ton of bricks, but our reactions to them matters much more than anything else (after proper medication attention, of course). In essence, what have we learned from the situation? What is the take away? How does this affect our future? Where do we go from there? All these questions, and more, are key to the understanding requisite for self-improvement. You see, we cannot truly improve unless we are willing to accept that each experience in life can be and should be used as a learning tool. There is so much unpredictability in the world; we tend to flow better in life when we learn to not only live life but experience it. The full experience of life is based on an honest evaluation of ourselves, daily.

That said, how are you doing? Are you experiencing life? Or are you merely...living?

(c) 2009, Dr. Kozhi Sidney Makai. No part of this blog post may be reproduced or stored in a retrieval system without the written consent of the copyright holder.

My Past...

"We are never defined by our past...we are only prepared by it."
- Alexander Phiri, Milton Keynes, England (emphasis mine)

Alex and I share many common life experiences; when we have our "almost weekly" phone conversations, it's both encouraging and challenging. Kindred hearts and spirits...we're separated by the Atlantic but united by a bond of brotherhood like no other. In a recent conversation, Alex and I were discussing the past: its ability to render impotent even the most viable dreams and its uncanny manouevers against creativity. It was then that Alex said: "You know, Sid, we are never defined by our past...we are only prepared by it." He went on to share how every single act, situation, and thought from my past is the eclectic education I needed to function effectively in my present.

I wonder, then...
...at what point does the past become a preparatory tool? Friends, I believe that it is when we choose - when we become bold enough to face our past and declare it our "Future Preparatory School." It's been said that mistakes are only made when one does not learn from them. In other words, if you learned from it, it is not a mistake. That is, it was necessary to educate you about a particular thing or situation. Think about it: it is that one math problem, that one grammar issue that you made that became something you'd never forget. Why? Because you allowed it to become a learning opportunity.

I know that this is a difficult season we're going through at present; pirates are terrorizing folks on the high seas, brands we've come to consider household staples are being phased out, factories we've come to think of as part of our towns are shutting down, and, now, a pathogen that has nothing to do with pork is making its worldwide tour! To top it all off, we're in the midst of our own personal financial recessions, depressions and meltdowns. At the risk of sounding insensitive to these and other issues clogging our mental arteries...so what!? What do we do now? How do we move past this and gain the higher ground? How do we become even more of the men, women and children we've been destined and crafted to be?

How about allowing each situation to marinate and then become a learning opportunity? Why not learn from our financial mishaps? Our complacency? Our apathy? Whatever we do, there are only two choices here: become astute and studious about the past or let it extend its long arm into your present to beat you to a pulp. I hope you will instead, like me, sharpen your pencil and bring your notepad...
...what do you have to lose?

(c) 2009, Dr. Kozhi Sidney Makai. No part of this blog post may be reproduced or stored in a retrieval system without the written consent of the copyright holder.

There's Something...

"How does a person survive his own life, the ceaseless surprises, uncertainties, struggles, reroutings in strange, inconvenient directions? What force is it, exactly, that flips a falling man back on his feet, reconstitutes him after disaster, helps him prevail in the face of challenges far beyond his previous limits? What mysterious strength is it that enables us to outsmart 'the terrorists within,' those destructive maniacs under the skin - cynicism, despair, resignation, terror - that threaten to stop us in our tracks? Finally, how is it possible not merely to survive our greatest obstacles but to prevail in circumstances that threaten to stop us?"
- "When You're Falling, Dive", Mark Matousek

Questions...
...the seeds of discovery.

No doubt, as the turbulence of our present world presses hard against our minds, we all have questions. "Are we going to make it?" "Will I keep my home?" "My car?" "My job?" "How will I feed and clothe the children?" "What kind of man/woman am I?" "Unable to provide?"

Yes, these are truly potent and real questions. They haunt many of us daily with seemingly justifiable intensity. Yet, the truth is that these questions are like seedless watermelons; great to snack on but cannot produce a thing! They do good to nourish us for the day, but give us nothing for our future or our posterity...

Matousek is on to something with his questions, though; there IS something in us - whether it is latent or currently in use - that can and should be exploited to pull us out of our challenge, our misery...our dilemma. You see, the first rule of holes is very simple: STOP DIGGING! "Watermelon Questions" get us deeper into our hole; they remove responsibility from us and place it on others. Rather than give us something to "carry forward," they bribe us with the sweetness of immediate gratification...and while intoxicated by this sweetness, the same children we're concerned for - our posterity - lose out on a stronger future because we've refused to face the giant.

I believe that the RIGHT questions can pull us out of many challenges; again, it has to be the RIGHT questions. Many people saw the apple fall; Newton not only asked "why" - he asked the RIGHT question. I'm quite certain that "how"..."when"..."where"...or "who" might have been questions to ask as well. However, it was that "why" question that brought us scientific discovery that has shaped our world in a significant way. You and I don't have to be a Newton to make a dent on history; all we have to do is ask ourselves the right questions so that we can effectively become better suited and armed for a greater and bolder future.

What questions, then, are you asking yourself? Are you in the doldrums, completely lost in your own world and feeling sorry for yourself? Or are you now seeking opportunities based on the changes in the circumstances? Whatever you do, or are doing, one thing is for sure: the outcome is clear whichever way you go. That is why your CHOICE is much more important right now than your situation...

(c) 2009, Dr. Kozhi Sidney Makai. No part of this blog post may be reproduced or stored in a retrieval system without the written consent of the copyright holder.

Empathy

"Empathy...lubricates human relationships"
- Harvey Mackay

An interesting discussion ensued this week, as I shared with my interpersonal communication students the basic tenets of empathy...
...its power to let others know we're listening...its ability to remind us of our own brokenness and need for connection. No matter what kind of relationship we're dealing with, it is improved when the other person feels important - understood and appreciated. "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care," its been said. It couldn't be put any more succinctly!
As we all battle the New Economy, "good people" are facing difficult situations and the arbitrary measures we use to size people up - credit scores, for instance - matter so little. Recently, I was sitting one of my former students' office, a Vice President at a bank, when one of his associates dropped the fancy keys of a BMW X5 - the individual who had the vehicle simply could not keep up with the payments...
Are we to judge that individual, as their credit scores will undoubtedly reflect? I do not know the specific circumstances of the individual's situation, but I do know that most people do not "let go" of homes or vehicles with no compunction; it is something that is difficult and worthy of empathy.
While large corporations declare bankruptcy, individuals suffer from not only job loss but also from "self loss." Because so much of our identity is stooped in what we do and where we do it, it can be a distressing experience to have what we do and where we do it taken away. Yet, my friends, there is hope...

I read recently about a study that said the following:

"Life crises can have long-term positive effects on life. Over 87 percent of people studied said crises like the death of a loved one, illness, breakup, divorce, etc., gave them a stronger sense of purpose in life."

So...what are you doing with your crises?

(c) 2009, Dr. Kozhi Sidney Makai. No part of this blog post may be reproduced or stored in a retrieval system without the written consent of the copyright holder.